Bullet points

I have gone from exhilarated to exhausted to proud & confident to knocked down and stressed in the last week. So, bullet points.

• Conference went well, I think. My talk was okay, my meetings went fairly well, I have data and things to be working on from now until forever.
• Fieldwork was amazing and wonderful and the only problem is that it had to stop. Okay, not really... but yes. Had some equipment issues, as expected with fieldwork, but no personnel problems, no weather issues, etc. I kind of want to go back, but I seriously don't have time.
  
• Went to a meeting with my advisor today and was told simultaneously that I have too much on my outline (but I need more data!) and that I should be working faster (but not too fast, don't rush on anything!). Ugh. So now I have more-than-weekly meetings for at least the next little while, before Advisor leaves for a few months (at least!), and I need to get my shit done beforehand.
  

I have a plan for getting out of here. I do. I know (sort of!) where I want to go after I graduate (or at least what kind of job I'm aiming for), and I think I have a fair amount of connections and recommendations... hopefully enough to get me there. What isn't helpful is when the person who is supposed to be supporting me is changing their mind CONSTANTLY. I have a committee meeting next month that I need to have a plan for, and hopefully Advisor and I can be on the same page before then. I hope.

For now, though... Fieldwork really was fun. One of the better pictures:

best laid plans

My summer plans all just got tossed, really. I sent my CV out to a couple of people in order to volunteer on some fieldwork for experience, and lo and behold, I'm going away for three weeks next month. Immediately after I get back from a conference. Eep!

I'm not ready for the conference yet, but I have time to prepare and practice my talk. Slides are done and waiting for revisions from a sponsor, so I should be working on the written report to go with that. That was the plan for today, but instead I'm blogging on my fancy new lap desk that I bought so I wouldn't have to go into work and could instead spend the day in a nest of blankets and pillows on my couch. Oops?

Meeting with one of my committee members tomorrow to discuss switching tracks with my thesis... should be interesting, considering that I have no idea what I'm going to say yet. Ugh. Why do I feel like I'm floundering and everyone else is just smiling and nodding at me???? I need HELP, but this is something I have to figure out myself. I hate that feeling. Advisor and I did talk, though, and she gave me a bit of a pep talk, which was encouraging. And then she went and did something that pretty much ruined it, but I'm not at liberty to talk about that yet. Oh well.

Alright. I suppose I should get to work, if only to have less to do tomorrow and for the rest of the week. Bugger.

Another "oops" post

I have been feeling guilty about not updating for months. Oops. My only excuse is that I have been busy with work and trying not to fall into a depression that I can feel hovering just behind me.

So, quick recap: My mentor is recovering as well as can be expected, and is at home now. Really hoping that he'll be able to come back to the work if he wants to, but if he doesn't, it will be enough that he can talk to his daughter and not have to use a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Some aspects of my work are going pretty well, others not so much. Working on a plan to switch tracks if necessary. Advisor seems to think I can defend next summer, but when I think about that I tend to veer off into hysterical laughter and panic attacks. So maybe that's normal and I will defend... we'll see. (On a side note... my unofficial master's project (read: my RA work that will result in 2 papers that have nothing to do with my dissertation) is going okay - one paper resubmitted this week, and another will be done by August. Yay!)

Last week was interesting... I had to tell Advisor that I thought I broke a rather expensive piece of equipment - but after going through the data yesterday, it looks like it had the issue I thought I had caused before my "OH SHIT" moment. So that's good. Now we just have to see if it's a real problem and how to fix it. Anyone else dealt with something like this?

Labmates are okay - the problem child (PC) appears to be enjoying her new job and will graduate this summer with an engineering degree rather than an MS, fieldwork is progressing for two and thesis writing for one. I am horrendously jealous of all three, but that's my issue and not theirs. I've also realized that I apparently automatically designate someone as the thorn in my side, because as soon as PC was gone, one of the others started bugging me. There are a lot of reasons I could point to, but I think the biggest one is that I need someone to be cranky about. Stress relief, maybe? Not sure, but it needs to change.

I have two conferences planned this year, as well as some potential fieldwork (Advisor's cruise (cancelled due to national budget SNAFU), Advisor's land-based work (hired other field assistant), and... dissertation research (doh!)). Also planning a couple of trips to see family and such. Hopefully will be more regular with posts, but we'll see.

In shock

I will have a longer post about this later, but I found out a few days ago that a (young) former mentor of mine has had a stroke, and is going to need months or years of rehab and physical therapy. It's really just hitting me now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

That holiday time

So, Thanksgiving happened. I'm a bit confused, because I feel like we should still be in June sometime, rather than almost December....

Had a good holiday - enjoyed being back in my apartment with no horrendously close deadlines and no imminent travel, as I'd spent the last month away from home or with guests and big grant deadlines immediately after I got back. I do actually have things that need to be done this week, though, so I'm hoping for some productivity.

I almost feel like this time of year is a waste, as far as getting anything collaborative done. It's almost impossible to find everyone you need to talk to, and I'm personally so distracted by the holidays and getting to see my family (which I do once or twice a year, tops) that my productivity is pretty low anyways. Anyone have tips for actually being productive this time of year?

Data!

I FINALLY have some data to start working on for my dissertation! Field site 1 decided to cooperate, my equipment (after some argument) is working (ish), and I now have a few days to troubleshoot before I head back to collect more.

I am relieved... after over a year of trying, I finally have something to work on. Not that I wasn't busy, mind, but I was mainly working on my advisor's projects and writing theoretical proposals with no preliminary data. Now I can go happily to my committee meeting next month and have preliminary data for when I beg for money next. Love.

Catching up

Wow... it's been a while since I visited here. So, quick update.

~ Advisor and I got back from our field site a few weeks ago. The trip as a whole went pretty well, except for the whole data thing. Disappointing, to say the least. The critters were clearly there and ready to be studied and politics got in the way, again. Ugh. (As a side note, I'm beginning to think I'm cursed to never actually get data. A faculty member has told me that the universe is telling me I should do theory-based work, but what fun is that???)

Some of the critters from our trip (but not the ones we were studying)



~ My research is picking up, sort of. Lots of calls to potential collaborators, and it looks like two or three of them are actually willing to work with me. Hooray! I'm also taking a trip to my original field site next week, for one final (and I do mean final, because I'm pretty much at my breaking point with these people) meeting before tentatively collecting data the week after that.

~ My family (minus the sibling) is coming to visit me! They've only come to see me at this school once before, so we're going to take a few days this time and explore a bit more. It'll be pretty much perfect weather, too.

My lab is back to being busy and noisy again, because everyone is back from field seasons and thesis-writing seclusion. Makes it fun - lots of jabber and brainstorming and talking about science. I also have a new minion this semester, who seems bright and enthusiastic and responsible -- and she's mine, all mine. I get to train her and set her to work on the newest set of data I'm dealing with for Advisor. This semester is going well so far.

Finally! And... crap, that's this week!

Advisor and I are leaving for fieldwork on Wednesday. Like, the day after tomorrow. We fly to DC, then to a far away foreign country where I don't speak the language and we'll have no phone or internet for three weeks. I'm torn between excitement and dread. Hopefully there will be no drama related to last year's project cancellation or anything else. I just want to get through the airports smoothly, and then I'll deal with the rest as it comes. Advisor is all stressed out, too... at least we get to panic to each other, right??

Did some last minute errands and packed up equipment today. Last packing and weighing of the luggage tomorrow, and then we're out until October. Wish us luck!

On my lack of love for the piano, and the irresistable cuteness of blond toddlers

I don't mind classical music. In fact, when I'm in the right mood, it's wonderful. I played violin for 12 years, and really enjoy most of it. My one exception is the piano, which I would love to learn to play simply because I'm not sure I'm coordinated enough to get my extremities and eyes together to complete a song. For whatever reason, though, piano music does not generally excite me. I much prefer cello or a full orchestra.

Which makes it a wonderful coincidence that my new downstairs neighbor appears to have one hobby.... classical piano. Oi. And while he's very good, it's piano. And it's driving me nuts, because he appears to practice exclusively during the times I am trying to nap, or read, or blog, or generally enjoy some quiet downtime at home. Maybe this will change as the semester progresses and he gets a social life... but for now, I'm anticipating a forced lesson in how to appreciate the piano through my floor. Ew. (Or, I could take it as motivation to find more hobbies/spend more time in lab.... choices, choices...)

On a happier note, I went to visit some family last week and was greeted by these cuties and their parents.

Adorable, yes? They also helped me practice with my fancy schmancy camera, but I didn't come out with anything too spectacular.

(She knows she's cute, you can see it in her eyes. Both adorably cuddly, too.)

Fieldwork for Advisor's project (theoretically) starts in less than two weeks. HOLY CRAP. I need to pack and wrap up everything I'm doing for this month soon. Oi.

Thoughts from the first day of classes:

1) "Hey you kids, get off my lawn [campus]" is not appropriate. Yet. Or possibly ever, but at least until I'm out of grad school. I remember being an undergrad, but I swear I wasn't nearly as annoying as they are here. Maybe it's a different school thing. Or probably I'm just starting to feel old.

2) Dear undergrads, please note that your phones are NOT surgically attached to your fingers. Put them away, walk to where you are going, and THEN text or call or whatever you need to do. Just don't do it while walking. You tend to bump into things like trees, or signs, or cranky grad students. Also, the stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to text? Yeah, that's gotta go.

3) PROGRESS! Made contact with another research site today, and they seem much more enthusiastic/helpful/not-evil than my other site. Lovely.

4) Had lunch with Advisor today while she is between trips, which was nice. Got caught up on personal gossip and some research things. She made contact with some potential collaborators for me while she was on her last trip, so I'll be following up on that this week. Also? New data. YES.

Am also feeling much better... antibiotics are wonderful things. So, overall, a good day. :)

Popping in for a quick update

Haven't posted in a while... again. Oops. At least this time I have a good reason: poison ivy tried to eat my legs, and either the rash, subsequent staph infection, antibiotics or all three are sapping my energy to the point where I'm lucky if I'm awake for two hours in a row. (Of course, that only holds during the day - at night I'm always up at 4am, wide awake and itchy. Ugh)

Also? If you get poison ivy, WEAR GLOVES when you wash the clothes you were wearing. Otherwise, your fingers break out really badly. Trust me on this one.

I am incredibly pleased to have been linked to by the fabulous Zuska a few weeks ago, which bumped my traffic way up. And then, I of course did not post until all of the attention faded away. Le sigh.

Workwise - still stalled on the major portion of my project, but got one important phone call completed today and will do one on Monday, when I hope to be back at work full time.

And so that this isn't a completely pointless post: bat news!

Noise news

New info on the effects of noise on juvenile reef fish here. Interesting -- I think I'm going to go look up the actual paper.

Open letters

Dear Research spot,

Please, PLEASE stop being fucking dickheads. If you like the thing, say yes. If you don't like it, say no. But either way, stop fucking stringing me along and wasting my time and my assistants'. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit and your non-communication and your general assholishness. Screw off.

- me.

Dear chairman,

What are you thinking, allowing someone to replace a class they failed with TEACHING credits? Are you serious? How does that work?

Please grow a brain,
me.

Dear labmate,

I get it. You've put a lot of time and energy into this, and you want something out of it. Well, guess what. You've gotten something - you've been paid for the last two years, even though you're incompetent, rude, and have really whacked out priorities. Please get it through your head that no one likes having you around, and we're all hoping you wise up and leave soon. (and WITHOUT the degree that you most definitely have not earned.)

Sorry bout that, but it's true.
- me.

'Declined' vs. 'Rejected'

Got a grant rejected today - which I had guessed was coming, seeing as I submitted it in November, and had seen other ones from that program getting funded on Fastlane. Frustrating, but I really just wanted the reviews at this point. (Which I skimmed, and it seems to be a classic case of Reviewer Number 3...ugh).

What really gets to me is that I wasted so much time waiting for this grant, because I was hoping to approach potential collaborators with money in my pocket. Now, I have to approach six months later than I would have originally, and still with no money and no data. I am PISSED, mostly at myself, and upset in general. I suppose it's good that I got this news on a weekend, so I'm not as upset in lab tomorrow, but.... ugh.

My procrastination habit has got to go. It does nothing but hurt me, and my chances at ever getting a g-d iota of data and graduating and all sorts of shit like that. Dammit.

(Also, it kills me that Advisor says I should reapply next year when I will STILL not have the data the reviewers wanted. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck).

In keeping with the hotel theme...

I am at yet another hotel, near research site #1, for a meeting with collaborators and maybe (hopefully!) some preliminary data collection. Really, really wanting to get some data that I can start playing with, and approval to do some real work within the next month. I definitely feel more prepared than the last time I came here (though, that was coming off a conference in a foreign country two weeks previous, and the flu the morning of the meeting...), so hopefully things go well.

The short course/conference went well last month. The cranky-post was from the first day, and the week got much better as it went on. Made lots of contacts, had a good time with some old friends, and even learned a bit!

I have a post in progress (somewhere!) about my working style - if I ever remember it, I'll put it up. And maybe maybe next time I post, I'll have thesis progress! Woo!

I have the cranky

I'm at a conference/short course this week, living in a hotel with a roommate. And while both the hotel and the roommate are perfectly lovely, the rest of the conference is making me cranky. The lectures so far have been alternating between basic to the point of insulting and so complex that maybe one person in the room understands them. It's frustrating. And one particular person has been rather abrupt with me a few times today, which is understandable, but bothersome.

Add to this the fact that I'm pretty unsociable anyways, and you have a recipe for disaster. So I'm hiding in my room for the short break between lecture and dinner, and will probably do the same before the poster session (for which I have not prepared) tonight.

Ugh. It's going to be a long week.

I am behind

And as usual, blogging is the first thing to take the hit. Sorry, all.

I've been working on all sorts of projects, and just took a week to visit my family for the first time in six months. That felt good, and I even got a bit of work done while I was home.

I have a couple of posts backed up that I'll try and get to this weekend, but for now, there's this spiffy bit of science news.

That time again

I have the charlie-brown-missing-the-football cartoon posted on my desk at work. It's there to remind me not to get too comfortable with what I'm doing, because my target will inevitably be moved, at least occasionally. For instance: my first field season flopped, my practice talk got mauled before my comps, etc.

I'm choosing to think of today as the cb/football moment for the summer (or the spring, can't quite make up my mind if I want to be pessimistic about it yet). Oi. Had meeting with Advisor today, to go over our publication and my thesis, and came out of it feeling like my entire last week was wasted. and knowing that I'm not moving fast enough to suit her. Dammit. So I'm taking tonight to recover from the ego-crush, and then will get back into things tomorrow. Eff.

Also not helping is the fact that I keep fighting with my labmate. I just need to remind myself that she will be gone come fall. Thank goodness.

Need a way to cheer up tonight....alright. off to find one.

Goal logging

Today I:

~ faced up to my fear of the telephone and made a call to a collaborator (who was not in, so I'll have to call again later this week. Practice is a good thing?)

~ drafted the methods section of the paper Advisor wanted to have submitted last summer. She did the intro, and we're working out the results section tomorrow. So, way behind schedule, but progressing nicely at the moment.

~ went to a workshop on how to use one of my new software tools. Spiffy.

~ got two new books from the library, which will join the collection of library books that have been kept hostage on my shelf for the last year. Eventually I will read them all, I swear!

Tomorrow, I will:

~ revise and insert details into the methods draft mentioned above.

~ Meet with Advisor to keep her informed of my thesis work (phone calls count!) and talk about her project.

~ Continue my foreign language lessons, so that I'm not completely lost in fieldwork country come September.

~ try again to make contact with a lab-person who is in charge of the equipment I need to use this summer.



My officemates recently got bored and (with minimal suggestions from me), hung a whiteboard up by my desk. This has been good, because I use less paper on to-do lists and because I can keep said lists where they won't get covered with other papers and books. Unfortunately, it also provides space for me to spend time doodling whales and tropical islands. Hmmm. Then again, if I consider that to be stress-relief, maybe it's productive, too.

Oh. This week, I also sent off a draft proposal to another collaborator (whom I telephoned last week. this phone-paranoia has got to go. More practice necessary).

Also: I've recently changed my habits and am no longer drinking a glass of wine with dinner each night. I find that my sleep has improved, and I'm much more likely to get work done after I come home. That didn't happen until a few days after I stopped having wine with dinner... maybe I'll confine my drinking to weekends from now on.

A good and a bad

Good:
I'm still making at least a little progress each day. I may be a bit behind where I wanted to be, but I'm still okay to meet my goals for this month. And my labmate and I came up with an idea for a short-course for our undergrad minions that will help them understand what they need to, and give us a little bit of teaching experience. Awesome.

Also, the pie I baked and thought was inedible? Actually pretty darn good. I didn't take it to the party I made it for because I didn't want to poison anyone, so I've been having some for breakfast the last couple of days. Yum!

~~ And now an unscheduled break from my month of optimism ~~

Bad:
The situation in my office is rapidly deteriorating. Labmate K, who shares the office with me and 8 other people (and whom I've written about here) has gotten on one of my last nerves. And I'm usually pretty patient. K is leaving in August (yay!), but I still have to find some way to deal until then. K throws temper tantrums in the middle of the lab, is insulting to labmates and disrespectful to pretty much everyone, and somehow has no responsibility for any of her problems. Classes? The professor hates her. Research? The people who collected the data screwed up. Classical ecological theory? It's wrong, because she thinks it is. And pickles confuse her, so they must be bad.

I need help finding a way to not blow up in K's face this summer. Her complete refusal to take responsibility for her problems is grinding away at what patience I have left. If she was only nice about it, I could deal. But the next time she has a hissy fit or insults me I think I'm going to snap and take myself down to her level. Any tips for dealing with people like this?