Continuing with my relationship issues, here's a post dealing with some professional issues I've had to confront recently. Suggestions and comments will be welcomed with cookies!
This needs a little background before getting into things. My lab is kind of on a line between biosciences (my program), and an engineering department, as my advisor is faculty in both areas. I am one of the first graduate students in my lab, and have had a fairly close relationship with my advisor from day 1. My advisor refers to me as a friend, and some of our discussions have blurred the line between "friend" and "student/advisor" relationships (which makes me mildly uncomfortable at times). My labmates K and J both came into the lab after I did, and do not have this relationship to our advisor. K is working on an MS in the engineering program, while J is our new PhD student in biology.
A while back, Advisor had invited me to give a poster presentation for a funding agency. I didn't really feel I could take the extra time away from classes, having already gone to one conference and been sick this semester. I suggested that my advisor take labmate K, who hadn't had the opportunity to go to the other conference. Advisor agreed, and told K what was required by when. When deadline time rolled around, K was nowhere near ready. (Though it did eventually get done.)
This is not a new pattern with K, which is frustrating for me and our advisor. K has had issues with classes (mostly related to switching fields after undergrad) and with procrastination (the reason the first conference didn't work out). Curiously, though, K has no problems finding time to take 10 mile hikes and pursue other recreational activities. I'm hoping that my suggesting K for this presentation doesn't lower my standing in my advisor's eyes (though I'm not really worried), and I'm wondering how I can help K get back on track.
I've not sat down and discussed this with K, as I think that would end badly. The fact that I am in a different (and K thinks, easier) program is part of it (though I've taken and done well in most of the engineering classes). I know K is depressed, in part about classes and her relationship with our advisor, and I'm definitely not qualified to deal with that. How can I help my labmate step up and really succeed? I'm seeing time management issues, mostly, and the panic that comes with realizing you've gotten in over your head. Is there anything I can do to step in and help out? Or is it up to K to deal with this and ask for help if and when they want it? I realize that some people are just not cut out for science and/or grad school (or aren't ready at this point in their lives), but it feels like I've done something wrong when someone I should have been supporting and helping is having this much trouble.
Thoughts?
I've encountered some similar situations. Compared to most other students in my lab, I am much better at time management. Some people have come to me for advice, though not very often. If I know someone is struggling with writing, I try to tell them how helpful the book Writing Your Dissertation in 15 Minutes a Day was for me, and perhaps suggest that it might be something they should check out. I think there are ways to say, "Hey, this helped me and I think you might find it useful" without saying. "I noticed you really don't have your shit together." My advisor (who is not known for his social skills) said something like the latter once to me (related to field work) and it really got me down that he'd actually noticed how I felt inside (but I thought I was hiding it). I think finding a way to offer advice from your perspective/experience is key.
ReplyDeleteBefore starting grad school, I read several different books, articles, etc about the decision and have recommended some of those as well (I summarized them on my blog- check under advice for undergrads or something like that). I feel that blogging and reading blogs has helped me immensely, though I've never actually recommended that to my peers for fear of discovery (I feel a little bad about that). If you find a particularly relevant blog post and are comfortable sharing it, you could send her a link.
Sorry to be so late on the reply- I'm just catching up on blogs now. I hope you get some other advice!
I think Karina offers good advice here. Reading blogs and other writing about grad school has helped me with perspective and getting a sense of what is "normal".
ReplyDeleteIn my short time in my current grad program I have seen that different labs have different personalities. I can't help thinking that the way K would respond to your advice and help would be partly determined by your lab's personality. In my lab there is a lot of cooperation, friendship, and a very social atmosphere. Most of us would be very comfortable reaching out and accepting help from others in the lab. In the lab next door people seem to be more individually focused, and while they all get along well, they are not as close and the same support might feel awkward or inappropriate. The dynamics of your lab are one more thing to think about (as I am sure you already have) when deciding what to do in this situation.
I do not think you have a responsibility to help K, but you might have an opportunity sometime, and it might be useful to be ready with specific suggestions when things come up. I recently constructed an opportunity for a heart to heart conversation with a friend and was able to suggest that he seek out counseling. I don't know him all that well, so I wasn't sure it would be appropriate, but in the course of the discussion, I was able to say something like "I was thinking about taking advantage of the campus mental health services because they're free and who doesn't like talking about them selves... maybe that would be useful for you". I was surprised at how receptive he was, and how easy it was to suggest when the mood of our conversation was right. It seems to me that K might benefit from counseling, but obviously that can be a tricky thing to suggest without offending.
Goodluck! Remember, just being available, open, and supportive is more helpful than it seems.
Thanks for the advice... I like the idea of casually mentioning something that I've used and found helpful. My lab is fairly independent, but we're all ready and willing to help each other... Maybe I just need to let K know that I've noticed she seems to be having a hard time and I'm available if she wants to talk.
ReplyDelete